The Power of Play: A Parent's Guide to Engaging Your Children

Play comes very naturally for children as they are innately imaginative and creative; however, it wasn’t until relatively recently that therapists and researchers started to view a child’s play as a form of emotional communication, rather than just a creative outlet. Researchers and therapists have found that children often use play to sort through their past experiences, learn about future possibilities, and most importantly, express their emotions. Play is the language of children.

This new understanding of a child’s play has many implications for parents. Learning to engage your child in play correctly could open lines of communication long before communication and emotion regulation skills are fully developed. So what is the right way to play with your child? Are there wrong ways to play? What can result from playing with your child? The following is a list of do’s and don’ts to enable you to enhance the quality of play with your child:

Do: Let your child lead the play

Don’t: Correct your child, or try to teach your child “proper” ways to play 

This can be the hardest skill for parents. Parents tend to naturally lead, direct, and teach their children. While this is important, playtime is not the time for parents to be in charge. The best, and most therapeutic playtime for children is when the child feels that they are totally in control. This type of play empowers children to feel confident about their decisions, accepted by their parents, and proud of their ideas. Try to avoid asking any and all questions during play to eliminate the possibility of your child feeling like they are being judged, or that they are doing something wrong.

Do: Be fully present with your child

Don’t: Get distracted during play, be on the phone, or go in and out of the room 

The best way to remain fully present during play is to designate an amount of time during the day that is dedicated solely for playing with your child (10-15 min.) During this time, try to limit distractions and remain engaged.

Do: Reflect your child’s emotions

Don’t: Tell your child how they should feel about certain toys or play scenarios 

Reflecting your child’s emotions is extremely therapeutic. Examples of reflecting are: “Wow! You are so excited about building that tall tower!” or “You are very frustrated about not getting that block to balance.” Don’t worry if you are unsure about exactly what your child is feeling. Do your best to label your child’s emotions and allow them to correct you if needed. Keep at it! This skill not only allows your child to feel understood, but it also helps them learn how to label their feelings.

Do: Engage in imaginative and creative play with your child’s direction

Don’t: Let creative play feel foreign or awkward, you are speaking your child’s language! 

It is easy for adults to feel uncomfortable while engaging in imaginative play. Sometimes children will ask their parents to play a certain character, act as a figurine, or put on a play, requiring parents to be creative and imaginative. Just go with it! Remember that you are speaking your child’s language, and he/she loves spending this quality time with you. Allow your child to direct your imaginative play. Try not to ask questions, instead, do your best to interpret what you think he or she might want. If you get it wrong, allow them to correct you.

While there is no wrong way to play, using the 4 do’s above can greatly enhance the quality of your play, strengthen your connection with your child, and build their self-confidence and self-esteem.

4 Tips for Communicating with Your Teen

For many parents, staying connected and close with their teenager is a quite challenge. If you have felt that way, you are not alone! The teenage years are defined by emotions, changes, and a drive for individuality and independence. Often times parents feel lost and confused as they watch their once open and loving child, become more distant, secretive, moody, or secluded. Below are 4 tips for parents on how to stay connected with your teenager

1. Approach conversations with an intent to listen

Parents tend to want to give advice, to share their own experiences, or to fix a problem. They do this out of care and concern for their child, and from a desire to help teach and mold their child as they grow. While these are important parenting techniques, they are sometimes not the most effective way to connect with an emotional teenager. Approach conversations with intent to listen means to remind yourself, I’m here to validate, to understand, and to show compassion, not to offer advice or correction. Try statements like, “Wow, that must be very stressful, I am here for you if you need me,” or, “that sounds very overwhelming, I can see why you would be upset about that.” Listening without offering advice or correction is a great way to let your teenager know that you understand them and can relate to them, making them feel more comfortable to discuss difficult topics with you in the future.

2.  Offer reassurance

More often than not in my practice, I hear teenagers tell me, “I wish my parents would just tell me everything is going to be okay.” Sometimes a reassuring comment like, “things will get better next week,” or, “I’m sure you and your friend will work this out, it’s just temporary,” is exactly what your teen needs to hear to relieve their feelings of worry or dread. Adults carry life experience that reassures them that problems between friends, or relationship issues will resolve with time. For teens, however, this may be their very first experience with some of these issues, and they need to be reminded or taught that these negative feelings won’t last forever.

3.  Remember what it was like to walk in their shoes

Think back to your days a teenager. What were your biggest stressors? What did your parents do that you found helpful? Is there something your parents did that you would not want to repeat with your teen? Check-in with yourself and make sure that you are communicating with your teen in a way that you would have wanted to be spoken to.

4. Make them laugh

Teens love to connect through a shared enjoyable experience. Is there a funny memory you haven’t talked about in a while? Is there a YouTube video you both enjoy that you can laugh at together? Let your teen teach you about the things that make them laugh and smile and make sure to incorporate those things into your weekly dialogue. Teenagers are under constant stress and pressure from school expectations, extracurricular involvement, and the desire to fit in with peers, how special would it be to be the person that put a smile on their face each week?

Published by: Kristin Henshaw, LMFT-S

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